【改寫計劃】 第004期：托福 TPO 40

【改寫計劃】 第004期：托福 TPO 40

來自專欄 StudyJoy

又到了我們的改寫計劃咯~

首先，照例是簡單了解下什麼是改寫計劃：

• 這個欄目名稱叫做「改寫計劃」。顧名思義，就是希望通過對原始文章的修改，力圖將其變得更加優美。

• 原始文章來自仕佳的學生習作或者是「讀者投稿」。投稿請添加學習君微信（xuexijun01） 。具體修改哪篇，由仕佳老師選定。

• 每期修改一篇作文

以下一位仕佳學生的習作，來自TPO 40 。題目的要求為：

Some parent offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

?

先來看看學生的習作原文：

I agree with the statement that parents should give their children money if they get good grades in school. There are two reasons why I think so.

First, giving children money can make them study harder before exams. They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best. This will encourage them to achieve good marks. For instance, my parents often give me money when I get an A+ in school. Once I was about to have a history exam. There were too many things to review, and it was late at night. I was about to give up. Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books. I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs. Finally, with the encouragement from the money, I got a good grade in the exam and finally got my books. In contrast, John, one of my friend, did not get money for his grades. He had no encouragement to make him work hard. And so, he got a pretty bad score on that exam. This shows that children will do better if they receive money for each good grade.

Second, giving children money can also help them learn how to manage money. It is inevitable that we have to manage money in the future. So it is good to learn that skill in the early age. Lets still take me and my friend John as an example. Once we had a assignment in our economy class. I had learn a lot about how to manage money, as I had gained and spent my money for a long time. So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy. And I got a good mark in that assignment. However, when I asked John, he said that he did not know any of those questions, because he does not have any of the experiences which I have. This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money, and the best way to do so is to give them money if they get a good grade in the school.

Because of the two reasons above, in my point of view, it is good for parents to give their children money if they get a high mark in school.

從整體來看，這篇文章的優缺點分別是：

優點：

1. 段落層次組織有序，銜接緊密，過渡自然，有邏輯性
2. 文章切題，闡述基本清晰，舉例恰當
3. 句間連接基本順暢

缺點：

1. 有部分句法錯誤;用詞一般，有時不得體。
2. 敘述過於啰嗦，有效信息不夠充分。

綜上，這篇文章在托福考試中大概是20分上下的水平。

幾個比較重要的修改點如下，我們先看第一處：

They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best.

問題分析：

條件狀語從句里主句不能前面加if，這句話中出現了兩個if。其次so that使用不當。

改寫建議：

The students are motivated to try their best by the fact that if they do great in exams, they will get money as a reward.

第二處：

Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books.

問題分析：

首先，這裡在敘述過去的事件，時態應該選用過去時。其次，I encourages me屬於語法錯誤。

改寫建議：

However, I remembered that my parents promised a huge amount of money if I could achieve a satisfying result in the exam, which would enable me to buy my favorite books.

第三處:

I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs.

問題分析：

這裡的句子就是所有句子堆砌在一起，中間沒有任何連接詞連接，句間連接不通順。

改寫建議：

On considering the books, I was full of enthusiasm and energy to continue reviewing until I got all the stuffs done.

第四處：

So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy.

問題分析：

Those problems？哪些問題？前面沒有說，沒有鋪墊過會出現的難題，所以這裡顯得很突兀。

改寫建議：

So when faced with difficulties I already met before, I was able to tackle the problem without panic.

第五處：

This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money……

問題分析：

importance和necessary重複了，而且這句話屬於語法錯誤。

改寫建議：

This has emphasizes the importance of allowing children to manage their money in preparation for the future.

當然，上述的修改只是挑出了幾處比較有代表意義的問題進行了具體的分析，文章本身還是有不少其他的語法錯誤的，如時態、單複數變形等等。出現問題的地方在圖中都有標明，同學們也可以自己思考一下為什麼標紅的地方有問題，怎麼有問題，應該怎麼改：

以下是這篇文章完整的修改情況。改後的文章為25分左右的水平。

以上，就是本期改寫計劃的所有內容。

點擊「閱讀原文」，可以下載帶有批改顯示的word文件，閱讀效果和學習效果會更好。

今天是冬至，Tim老師（天哥）一早到辦公室就祝我節日快樂，然後和他愉快地聊了一下小時候對冬至節的美好記憶，就開始愉快地工作了，中午的時候，天哥又請我和今天在仕佳學習的同學們一起去吃美食啦，專門點了餃子有沒有……

天哥說因為今天霧霾，並且又是節日，所以堅持到學校的老師和同學會比較少，這樣他請吃飯就可以少花錢……我只想說，這樣的天哥給我來一打 (●′?｀●)

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