20180819雅思作文診斷實例

來自專欄羊小駝工作室

即日起，會為大家更新一些平日診斷的學生作文，相信裡面的批註和範文會給大家不少啟發，也可以作為一份學習素材收藏起來。

「作文診斷」的學習流程是：

限時寫作——診斷（精批&語音反饋）——重寫完整文章——重新打分&反饋，我給大家分享的也是這整個的過程。所以大家可以看到每個題目至少6.5分的範文哈~

另，所有新同學都可以半價享受作文診斷一次哈！

作文題目

In some countries, the wide spread use of the Internet has given people more freedom to work or study at home,instead of traveling to work or college. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

批改實例

打分&評價

總分6

內容5分

邏輯6分

辭彙6分

語法6分

總的來說，現在有這樣幾個問題：

• 讀題不準確，不能抓住關鍵詞來論證，導致文章內容偏題。
• 不明確議論文結構，一般只有agree or disagree的部分題目允許寫一方面，大多數都是要雙方面論證的。
• 需要理順中文意思，加強coherence的學習，保證句子以及段落之間的關係緊密銜接。
• 辭彙、表達不夠精準，需要加強精準辭彙的學習。
• 語法總體還可以，個別小錯誤再注意一下。

學生改後重寫作文【6.5分】

學生很有自己的想法，在看了我的批註之後，並沒有借鑒我給的ideas，而是只是參考了邏輯方面的建議重寫了自己的作文。的確還有一些小錯誤，但是稱得上是一篇不錯的文章了。相信可以穩定在6.5分衝擊7分了。

In the computer era, remote work and study have already been a top choice for some people. Personally speaking,the advantages brought by working and studying at home outweigh its drawbacks.

To begin with, working and studying at home means less time would be wasted on the daily commutes. As we all know,the housing prices in metropolises are so high that few residents could afford,for which they have no other choices but to live in the outskirts. If they are permitted to work or study at home, the time on the road could be preserved for relaxing and taking a rest. Then, they would be more energetic during working hours and their happiness index could rise.

In addition, more students would have the opportunity to receive further education. The resources of a college, the seats in a teaching room for example, limited the number of the students.However, with the introduction of remote education, a larger number of students could be admitted to the online school. They could stay at home, watching the videos of lessons which have been recorded and asking questions after class through the Internet.

Admittedly, working and studying at home may result in a decrease of efficiency. Entertainment facilities such as PlayStation are available anytime at home. And without the surveillance of boss or teacher, people may put down their work to turn to PlayStation for fun. But it is easy to tackle this issue by installing a monitor on individuals』 computers, which only work during working hours.

No daily commutes means less meaningless time for traffic. And without the limitation of space, further education would be accessible to more students. Despite of some drawbacks,telecommutes and remote education would be the trend in the future.

你的作文也一定需要這樣完整細緻的診斷和個性化的提升方案！

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