Editor Letter | Making Friends

One day recently my four-year-old daughter came home with a sad announcement: 「I don』t have good friends and that』s why I don』t like to go to Hippos class.」 That worried me.

Judy began to demonstrate the ability to feel for others when she was around two years old. She would offer toys and comfort her crying classmates.

Initially shy, she became more active in the classroom. Nowadays Judy is even a bit bossy, according to her teachers. So what happened with her and the Hippos?

The ability to form bonds starts early, as soon as babies are born. Newborns immediately build feelings for the primary caregivers grounded in the safety they provide.

With the reassurance of unconditional love, babies gradually move further away themselves and develop more relationships with others, just as I saw with two-year-old Judy.

Toddlers often begin by enjoying watch others play or playing next to their peers rather than interacting. Three-year-olds are very interested in playing with others and begin to understand how sharing and taking turns really works.

By the age of four, most children have a clear sense that 「These are my friends」 in distinction from other kids they know.

In fact, one of the most important things that preschoolers learn is how to be a good friend and how to make new friends. To be honest, friendship requires a lot of skills on which we still work as adults!

For example, when I』m working on my friendships, I』m practicing self-control and flexibility in adapting to the needs of others.

I』m working on how to express my emotions honestly while responding to both the words and feelings of my friends (and family). None of this is easy and it requires practice at any age!

Back to Judy. She』s a new Hippo but some of her old Lions peers are in the new classroom with her so I asked what』s wrong? She said her fellow Lions-turned-Hippos were all boys and she wants to play with girls.

「If I grow long hair two of the girls will play with me,」 she said, 「but I don』t want to play princess all day.」 I am glad Judy knows what different playgroups expect of their members and can choose whether to accept the norms of a group. But it seems she can still work on dealing with boys as friends.

And because we don』t want her bossiness to turn into bullying, she can continue to work on understanding the rules of play and what is an appropriate role for her in her peer group.

Of course I worry but I know that she will continue to make progress and that she will form healthy friendships with her Hippo friends. I remind her (and myself) that friendships take time. With patience and love, I know she』ll get there!

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